What Did I Do Wrong

I have a friend that came to me about a relationship problem. Now, any of you that know me know my history and my philosophy know that I am definitely not one to give relationship advice—and I TOLD her that! But she would just not let up! 

“Just tell me what you think.”
“Just tell me what you think.”

Okay, fine. After about ten minutes of “I can’t tell you what happened; I don’t think I’m the one to ask,” and “please, please, just listen; Come on, I just want your opinion,” I finally gave in and listened to her rambling about her failing relationship. And I do mean rambling, because every third sentence was,

“I don’t know what I did wrong.”

She had tried everything. She cooked, she cleaned, she worked, she was mother to her child AND his two kids. She was ready to give up the loving anytime he wanted. He, on the other hand, helped pay the bills but he stayed out nights and wasn’t TAKING the loving as often as she was willing to give it.

“I knew he had to be getting it from somewhere else. I don’t know what I did wrong.”

She finally found some letters from his significant others (yes, I said others) and went on an all-out snooping spree. Of course, she found more than she was looking for (seek and ye shall surely find, whether you want to or not)! So she left him.

“I don’t know what I did wrong.”

Seven and a half months later, he’s back. “Baby, baby, please; Baby, baby, please…” All throughout her 45-minute tirade about the breaking down and building up and breaking down and building up and finally breaking down of her relationship, I had flashbacks of my own relationship catastrophes. How many times had I said those very same words…?

“I don’t know what I did wrong.”

Now she’s battling with letting this guy (her husband, by the way) back into her life. 

“Should I let him back in and risk the same heartbreak I’ve faced all over again?”
“What if he is the same guy that I left seven months ago?”
“What if I look up and find myself right back here in a year?”
“I still don’t know what I did to bring this all on me.”
“What did I do wrong? What if I do it again?”

In that last moment, with that last question, after 45 minutes of listening to her “singing my life with her words,” a light went off in my head with answer. 

“You didn’t do anything wrong. You were just not what he wanted at the time.”

It had been there all the time, even when I was going through my turmoil. I just never saw it until this moment. Needless to say, she got baby-sleeping quiet on the other end of the phone. I could only imagine her looking at me like I was crazy. It was too simple, too cut-and-dried. She wanted me to tell her that she had done something that she could now fix so that this would never happen again. She wanted me to tell her that there was one little kink in the machinery that could be repaired and fix this mess that had become her marriage. But I couldn’t. I had been there too many times myself, too many times asking, “What did I do wrong?”

There’s a book out called, “He’s Just Not That Into You.” Though I have been meaning to read it, I haven’t read it yet. But the title tells it all. You see, you have to start having more value in yourself to understand what is going on around you. If you have activity that is a poison pill in your relationship, you know it already—you don’t have to ask. But if you are a good woman, doing everything you know to hold the relationship and life together, and he’s STILL not being that man that you need—Honey, he’s just not that into you. 

Am I slamming my brothers? Absolutely not! The world would be a boring and unhappy place without you so PLEASE stick around. What I’m really saying to my sisters is this…

“You didn’t do anything wrong. You were just not what he wanted at the time.”

That’s a baited statement, I know, because if he didn’t want you at the time, why does he want you now? DOES he really want you now, or does he just want to keep someone else from having you? What happens when that time comes that he doesn’t want you again? 

I can’t answer those questions for you, I’m sorry. You have to answer them for yourself. But I will say this…

“You didn’t do anything wrong. You were just not what he wanted at the time…but ask yourself—is he what YOU want?”

Only you can answer that one.

(Wow, this is some good stuff! I’m going to have to use this in my next book…)

Toodles!!